


Of Shining Stars and Memories

by Tabi



Category: Kiss x Kiss: Seirei Gakuen
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-28
Updated: 2005-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-21 13:38:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/225794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabi/pseuds/Tabi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years after leaving Seirei, Akihiro looks back on the time he spent there - and the time he spent with Shin. He wonders just what their relationship was, and exactly what it wasn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Shining Stars and Memories

As part of his exposure as an up-and-coming star of the stage (I guess), Shin obviously agreed to star in this month's edition of _Chartzone_. It seems strange - he's even on the front cover. Photographs of more well-known bands and singers surround him but _he_ is the one that dominates the front page. He's going national now. Will he be another one-hit wonder remembered in five years only for that one song he released before being forgotten entirely...?

I hope not. Most of this district hopes not, too. We're all behind you, Shin.

Still, I'd rather die than admit I actually _bought_ this thing. I hid it under a newspaper when I bought it. If anybody asked, it was for a younger sister. Not that anybody _would_ have asked and I'm sure nobody would particularly _care_ that I bought any magazine in particular but I felt embarrassed enough at the way I stopped and _stared_ at the magazine on the shelf. Nobody had told me he was going to be in _Chartzone_. I guess nobody would really have known to tell me, it's not like I ever made a big production over the way I felt about Shin, but then I see him on the front cover of the country's biggest chart magazine and I wonder if perhaps I should have done after all.

Well, it's too late now.

If anybody wants me, I'm not in. I locked the front door and left the phone off the hook. Turned my mobile phone off, too. Just for an afternoon, I want some time to myself. Want to look at this magazine, want to see _him_ because I'm sure as hell not going to see him walking down the street anymore. I think he moved away... alright, I _know_ he moved away. It was two months ago, I stood on the other side of the street as they packed up the van. He was there, I saw him. He saw me. We looked at each other. He could have come over and said something if he'd felt like it, but I guess he just hadn't felt like it because before I could really say or do anything, he was gone.

I still have an entry for him on my mobile phone but I don't know if it's the right number anymore. I got that number from him when we were back at Seirei; maybe his phone hasn't changed in that time but maybe it has and I can't really be bothered to find out if it has or not. That is, I'm not sure that I really want to. I don't know what I'd really say to him, anyway. I'm sure he wouldn't have much to say to me.

So I'm sat here in my chair with this magazine on my knee idly glancing down at the pictures in it. I guess that's the plus side of someone who's famous, huh? Even if they've moved away, even if you never see them, you can still keep up with them in the papers and the magazines and maybe soon eventually on television. He knows I'm watching.

The photos themselves are... _him_ , really. Pulling poses for the camera in that way of his that makes it look like he's not really posing at all... he just happened to fall across the sofa like that. He didn't need a team of hair stylists to pull off that ruffled look, I managed to pull that on him often enough. They're all impressive in their own way - I look to the side and see ' _Photographer: Moritaka Kazuya_ ' printed in white text against the black border. That somewhat explains it - he always did have a habit of capturing the naturalistic. But yeah, these photographs... if the edition of the magazine is to draw public attention to the person who is Nishimura Shin, then I'd say it does a pretty good job of it. He always did make unbuttoned shirts look sexy. Hell, he made _anything_ look sexy. Still does.

It's got a four-page interview with him, too. This is your break, isn't it? You can make all the music you want but once you start _talking_ to them, _that's_ when they've got you. My eyes scan down the page to get the gist of what he's talking about. Most of it is focused on the music, which I guess makes sense. You've not been around long enough to start making gossip, have you?... You talk about what sorts of things influenced your music, what made you want to become a singer... all your reasons are perfectly respectable and condensed. Never any of the things you said to me. I remember the times you performed those songs at the Live House, those dark and strange songs, that passionate one full of bitterness and irritation... the fangirls loved it, the way you grabbed the microphone and practically snarled your frustration into it... I don't think anybody else caught the ' _Akihiro_ ' you whispered between the second verse and the chorus. If they did, they ignored it. I didn't. I couldn't. I asked you afterwards if that song was about me. You just shrugged, " _Who knows..._ " but I knew that it was.

As the column closes, they ask if Nishimura Shin has any romantic interest. " _That's a secret!_ ", it says that you said but I can't really hear the inflection in your voice. There's a small inset photo of you with a relaxed smile on your face next to it though, so maybe you were showing genuine amusement. I guess that was never something you could show to me, was it? Then again, the way you're lounging on their sofa like that, you really are quite relaxed, aren't you? Again, I guess that was never something you even _wanted_ to show to me. Bad luck, huh. The interview goes on to ask what kind of girl Nishimura Shin would be interested in - that's an awfully private question, isn't it? I can't hear you answering something like that but you go on to say something about girls who can be themselves and it talks about how you laugh as you say " _A girl who could put up with me!_ "... I'm sure there are a lot of girls who'd do more than just 'put up' with you, Shin. If you even _breathe_ in their direction they'll be spreading their legs for you before you can stop them. They're yours if you want them, Shin. If you want them. _Do_ you?

These photos are for the public to get to know you, aren't they? These photos, this interview, all of these things. So people'll see your face on television and know who you are, so people'll see your album in the shops and remember you and buy it... it's all so shallow, isn't it? Still, it's what you wanted.

These photos don't capture _you_ , though. How can you expect anybody to really _know_ you when all you ever show them is that distant expression!?... You're smiling, but that's not--... I don't understand how come you're showing a smile so easily here. You never did before, did you? Or maybe that was just to me.

I toss the magazine from my lap over to the table in front of me. It sits there and Shin's face stares up from the cover, like it's mocking me. That wouldn't be anything different, to be honest. Even so, it still irritates me; I lean over and turn the magazine so that I don't have to look at that face. The back cover features some ambiguous advert for some kind of perfume... I can put up with that, it makes no difference to me. I glance down at that perfume bottle and then I lean back against my chair, staring across the room at the television but not really _looking_ at it. It doesn't matter what's in front of my eyes at the moment, all I'm seeing is the image of _you_ in my mind. It irritates me but it always irritated me, after all these years I've kind of got used to it.

It was by the fountain back at Seirei the first time, wasn't it? We'd been arguing for months before that but I still remember _that_ day. It was a Tuesday. It was getting close to sunset. The sun hadn't actually set yet but the sky was streaked with orange and red and yellow and that tall light next to the school building had come on, hadn't it? I'd ended up going to hit you for something you'd said and you'd countered that and we'd ended up tussling on the floor, hadn't we? We were young and I'd been scared because I _knew_ that I wouldn't be able to hide it... your mind wasn't on anything else, you were just struggling beneath me and yelling at me to let you up, you didn't have any problem with trying to wrap your leg over me to kick yourself away or bucking your hips up for the same...

I'm not _proud_ of how I acted then, alright?! I was scared, I'd always been scared that you'd find out but I'd always managed to hide _that_ behind a smirk and a sarcastic word... I guess as far as you were concerned I was still teasing you, huh. Making it sound like it was your fault that I was on top of you and I was hard and I _wanted_ you, Shin. Saying that you probably got people on top of you on purpose, saying that it probably turned you on being pinned down to the ground, saying you'd probably been trying to get me to fuck you since the first day... it was totally unacceptable. Shin, why the fuck didn't you _say_ anything?! You're stronger than you look, you could have pushed me away, you could have yelled at me that I was a perverted freak, that I was sick and twisted and wrong and god, you made such sexy noises when I was screwing you against the fountain. It'd hurt, hadn't it? I'd had to muffle you with my sleeve when you cried out because I didn't want anybody to risk finding us, though I guess that's an occupational hazard when you're going to have sex in public places. I think you bled. If you did, you didn't say anything. I remember sneering at you for messing up my school uniform. You didn't say anything. I didn't tell you I bought another blazer so that I didn't have to wash that one. I might still have it somewhere, I'm not sure. You didn't say _anything_. I remember that look in your eyes, though... I don't think I'd ever seen anybody look quite as blank as that. You might as well have been dead and I guess for all the attention I paid you, you really might have been. I asked you if that'd been your first time. You didn't say anything. I didn't tell you that it was mine. We were sixteen.

You should have said something, Shin. Not to me, I mean. To someone else. _Anyone_ else. Your parents, a teacher, someone like that... wasn't that what they always said? Some trusted adult. Someone you could tell if bad things were happening to you. Someone you could talk to, someone who'd _listen_. Did you have anybody like that? Did anybody really _listen_ to you?... I would have listened if you'd ever _said_ anything, but maybe you just weren't the kind of person who really talked to people. I guess I wasn't either, but I didn't want anybody to know. Nobody else would have understood. You kept coming back to me, didn't you? You knew I'd go up onto the school roof to smoke at break and lunchtimes. You said you hated it when people smoked. I never smoked in front of you ever again. Did you notice that? Maybe you only noticed things when they made you uncomfortable.

We were so damned risky. I had you up against the wire on the roof, didn't I? I remember the way your fingers hooked back against the crisscrossed wiring, the way the whole section of the fence shook as I pushed you up against it... that was a lunchtime, wasn't it? God, anybody could have come up and found us. That didn't seem to stop us, we never thought to focus on insignificant details like that. We never talked about it. It was something that only existed while it was happening; we might as well have been strangers for all the rest of the time. I guess we were, weren't we.

The Seirei school uniform never looked sexier than when it was on you. I remember the school rules stipulated the importance of smart attire, how walking around with your shirt untucked or your tie loose was grounds for a detention... and I sure got _that_ detention more times than I'd like to remember. You always looked neat, didn't you? I don't know how you managed it. I'd have you with your trousers around your ankles, your shirt unbuttoned and your tie around your wrists to make sure you didn't struggle... five minutes after finishing you'd be straightening your tie around your collar as if nothing untoward had happened. You'd walk awkwardly for the rest of the afternoon. I remember overhearing you telling your classmates that you'd pulled a muscle or something like that when they asked you about it. They believed you. Why wouldn't they? I wasn't going to go up to you and argue the point. I never fucked you before a concert, did you ever notice that? I was always looking out for you, even if you didn't realise it.

You never looked as blank as you did that first time.

We learnt a lot about each other, considering how we never actually _talked_. For a while it was like we couldn't stop... that summer at the end of your second year, wasn't it? We spent more time on our backs than we did upright, I swear. You easily picked up on how I whimpered when you rocked on my lap in a certain way... you looked so _smug_ as you held me down and moved so gently... it was such a contrast to all the times we were brutal and seeing you be so dominating was so sexy I couldn't stand it. I didn't like it because I felt vulnerable but I couldn't help it because it was _you_. I think I broke something in you because for so long I blamed myself and then it was you coming on to me and I never asked you to, I never said anything, we'd just end up in those positions again and again and again and I'd wonder what the hell this relationship was and where the hell it'd come from but then I'd have you wherever you chose and I couldn't find the time to care. You learnt the things that made me shudder and performed them flawlessly every time. That was you, wasn't it? The natural performing artist. Your private performances. That _smirk_. Oh god.

You left messages on your body in a language you couldn't speak for me to pick up with my fingers. You were embarrassed at how sensitive your neck was. You never said anything but the way that you lowered your gaze and the way that you clenched your eyes closed and just the way you _blushed_ , I knew. I _knew_. I kissed you there and you told me not to. I left a mark there and you got angry, but you didn't stop me when I did it again. And again. And again. It was fortunate that you usually wore high collars in the first place but I bet you had to spend an extra half hour in the makeup chair before your concerts for _those_. I'd stroke your collarbones and you'd groan. From below your ear to below your collarbones I'd kiss you and you'd shiver and you'd grab at me and tell me to stop in that way that said for me to carry on. So I did.

Then you told me ' _harder_ ' and that was the first time other than _our_ first time that I'd really been _scared_.

I'd kissed you there and ended up biting you. I don't remember what I thought about it, I suppose it was just something that came to me in the spur of the moment... something to tease you about, something to mark you with, something for you to squirm in my lap over and protest against but not really. I bit you and you cried out but _different_ and then you told me 'harder' and I looked up at you but your eyes were closed.

You liked being hurt. I learnt that. I didn't understand it. It kind of scared me but it seemed to be what you wanted, so I hurt you. It actually takes a lot of work to sink your teeth into somebody's neck, I'd never really thought about it before but with you, I learnt. It seemed really painful and I was always worried that I was going too far and I couldn't _help_ but feel nervous when I saw the blood on your shoulder, but you _wanted_ that... you rarely begged for anything but you begged for me to make you bleed. You got so intense and I raked my nails down your back until they left sharp marks. You never complained. Sometimes you'd make an off-handed remark that you had a concert coming up and that those marks would take forever to hide but your voice lacked the venom it _could_ have carried. You liked it when I marked you.

I remember when you told me that beautiful things only existed to be destroyed. I didn't know what you meant by that, but I didn't question you.

We never got _close_ , but we did seem to get quite used to each other's company. While most of Seirei was piling out of the school gates, I'd be hanging around at the fountain. I was never in any particular hurry to get home, whether I was in school or at home never really made any difference to me. You admired those snowdrops in the spring but didn't know that I'd planted them. You seemed to spend most of your evenings at the Live House, but sometimes you'd happen by the fountain. You acted as if you'd just casually walked past and happened to see me (to your disgust), but both you and I knew that that had to be a lie. The fountain was directly on the other side of school to the front gates and it was very hard to just casually walk past unless you had business at the Tea Ceremony hall or the Student Council building... you knew I was going to be there and _that's_ why you showed up. You'd pretend that your evening had been spoilt to see me but I knew you were lying. You honestly didn't have any other reason for being there other than me, you could have walked away if you'd _really_ wanted to and yet you never did. Why was that? No, really. _Why_ , Shin? I ask myself every day and I can never come up with an answer.

We'd hang around school until it was dark. Most of the time we just sat there in silence, but... you know how sometimes you can have a silence and it's really uncomfortable? It was never like that. Neither of us would have put up with it if it _had_ been. We sat on the roof a lot, didn't we? I don't think they liked people being on the roof after school. Seirei was open until the early evening for those who wanted to stay behind and take advantage of the library and the PC room, the canteen was open for snacks and many departments had after-school clubs, but I don't think they liked people staying as long as _we_ did. I think we were there until midnight once. We didn't have any reason to be there but we didn't have any reason _not_ to be there, either. We made conversation that didn't go anywhere. We didn't really look at each other. We ended up lying on the floor on the middle of the roof, just staring up at the sky. The stars were out. It could have been romantic if it'd been anybody other than you and me. We didn't do anything that night, I was pretty surprised at that. I said something vague about the stars, trying to mock you into conversation. Looking up at the stars in the sky and then looking at you and asking if _you_ wanted to be a star... you stared up at them and were silent for so long I thought you were ignoring me, I just didn't have any suitable conversation to follow that up with. I kept looking at you and you _knew_ I was looking at you. Then, in such a soft and quiet voice, you talked about how the stars we can see in the sky are probably dead now, the light takes that long to reach us. Stars would die in their solitary blaze of glory and the sky was covered with so many of them that we could never hope to notice the absence of a singular one of them. Humans liked to look at the light of the stars, but the purpose of a star was to crash and burn into the oblivion of the sky.

Beauty only existed to be destroyed and stars only existed to burst into nothingness. Did you want to be a star, Shin? You were beautiful. I was worried about you.

You handed me a knife, once. " _Hurt me, Akihiro_ " you said. It was strange enough for you to use my first name. I was worried about you and you were scaring me; I knew you liked to be hurt but I wasn't prepared to go as far as you seemed to want me to. Even in our strange relationship, there were things I wouldn't do. That was one of them. I threw the knife from the school roof in an angry rage. It was only afterward that I realised that I might have hit someone on the ground below, but it was after school and I'd thrown it towards the sports track, there hadn't been anybody there... I think there was a school assembly soon afterward, a knife had been found on school grounds and if the owner was found then they'd be facing suspension, such things were very strictly banned at Seirei. I don't think they ever found out who the knife belonged to, Shin remained at Seirei for all the time I was there and never once got suspended so I suppose the matter blew over and there really was very little to pin ownership back to him, but still. I could never understand that intensity. Especially after that, I always wanted to ask if there was anything _wrong_ with you, but I never knew how to word the question and I didn't think you'd tell me even if there was. So I never asked.

You want a girl who'll be herself? You want a girl who'll put up with you? I'm sure a lot of girls will put up with you, but nobody'll ever hurt you like I did. I like to think that you wouldn't trust anybody else to hurt you like how you wanted _me_ to hurt you. I wonder if that's self-centred. Probably. I don't care. We were both self-centred, apart from the parts of myself that were centred around you.

I never let myself even dare to _think_ that I loved you. I knew that _that_ thought would be the death of me.

You even came to my house a few times, didn't you? You never let me over to yours. I didn't even find out where you lived until the last term of Seirei when you happened to mention it once. I'd invite you over when the house was empty and we'd make it our own. We'd watch television and leave pizza boxes lying around, you'd get too hot and so leave your shirt on the couch, walking to the kitchen and returning with a glass of water half-naked. I guess you didn't really care - we'd done a lot and I'd seen so much more, but I could never quite get up the nerve to be so easygoing myself. Even in my own house! That was just what you did to me. We'd watch television until four in the morning. Order takeout at stupid hours. You held out the rib while I ripped the meat from it. You had a strange look on your face. I liked to lick the sauce from my fingers. _You_ liked to lick the sauce from my fingers. I could never understand how having your fingers sucked was supposed to be sexy until it was _you_ sucking _my_ fingers. You made almost anything sexy, didn't you? You wanted to watch the next programme and we fought over the remote control, but I was horny and I won. I was surprised we lasted that long; I fucked you in my living room, avoiding chairs and tables and knocking empty cartons out of the way. I taped the programme for you, but you never watched it. We _couldn't stop_. You didn't like the prawn cocktail but knew that I did, and I don't think it was a mistake when you knocked it onto your lap, even though you acted as if it was. I ate it anyway. You liked it then. The soft tang of the sauce, the bitter of the lemon juice and the saltiness that was _you_. I can't eat a prawn cocktail now without thinking of you. People think I'm weird when I put salt on my takeout. I don't.

We made our way across the house whenever you came over and each time it was as powerful as the first and the last and the during. The floor had just been mopped that morning, hadn't it? I don't think they meant it for _our_ purpose. We accidentally kicked the dog's gate and he got out, it was awkward having to chase him across the house when all I wanted to do was chase _you_ across the house but he always did like to chew on slippers and dig at the carpet, we _had_ to put him back before we carried on. You found it all terribly amusing, I wiped that smile off your face.

I loved the way you looked with my cock in your mouth. For all the argument and anger, you'd still get on your knees between my legs and suck me when I asked. Half the time I was just teasing and you got on your knees anyway. I never passed up a good opportunity.

I even had you on my staircase. We honestly couldn't wait to get upstairs. You misjudged the steps as you crawled up with me on your back and we nearly ended up knocking ourselves out, which really wouldn't have been a position I'd have liked to have explained to anybody in my house who might have found us on their return. Still, I only hit my shoulder on the wall and you didn't break the banister, it'd been wobbly before anyway. I said the dog did it. Blamed him for the stains on the carpet, too. We got him neutered right after that.

We ended up in my bed eventually, anyway. Had you on your back until the sun came up and beyond that, didn't I? You fell asleep without a word and I watched you until I was too tired to keep my eyes open. You seemed so _calm_ when you were sleeping. Of course, it wasn't as if I didn't see you sleeping enough as it was, you always seemed to be napping _somewhere_ at any available point in the school day from the exhaustion of whichever live event it was you'd just performed at... but when you were in my bed and sleeping next to me, when your head was leant so slightly on my shoulder and I could feel the side of your body pressed against mine... when you were still flushed and your hair was loose and ruffled, when you allowed yourself a tiny bit of peace by my side... those times were when it was most dangerous. Your lips would be slightly parted and I would have given anything to kiss you while you slept, but I was too worried that I'd disturb you if I moved and you'd wake up and wonder what I was doing. If you'd asked me suddenly, I wouldn't have been able to answer. I never gave you the opportunity to see me in such a position and you gave everybody too much opportunity to see you like that. You'd sleep around school, you'd sleep at my house, you'd sleep on the bus and the train and before, between and after your concerts... you always slept so much. The excuse to everybody else was that it was the shows and the concerts, the practicing and the preparation... and to a degree that _was_ true, you pushed yourself way too hard and exhausted yourself far too easily, but I suppose I didn't really help you with that, grabbing you after school and fucking you until you couldn't even speak. Not that you spoke an awful lot in the first place, but even so.

I preferred it when you were in my bed, though. We didn't go to my house too often, only when we knew that we wouldn't be disturbed... but being there meant that _nothing_ would disturb us, meant that we wouldn't have to watch out for people walking past or for people snooping on behalf of the Student Council... that leader at the time frowned on couples even holding hands around Seirei, dread to think what he would have thought about what me and Shin did. Would have liked to see the look on his face though. He always created excuses to yell at me even if I hadn't _done_ anything, pissed me off. But my house was far away from that and my bedroom was locked away from anything else. It wasn't a particularly remarkable bedroom but when Shin was in it, I didn't want to be anywhere else. My bed was softer than the fountain or the fence or the wall or the desk or wherever else we chose to occupy ourselves... we went there because we had the _time_ to be there and while we had enough time, I liked to just _look_ at you. For all of your performances and events, I never felt I got the chance to really _look_ at you enough. I couldn't really do it when you were awake. You'd ask me what I was looking at. I'd lie or shrug. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't have said something blunt like ' _you_ ', I don't even want to _think_ about where _that_ would have gone... and I couldn't have come out with some sultry line, I was never good at any of that romantic shit. That would have freaked you out more than anything, wouldn't it? We fucked our way across Seirei Gakuen but god forbid we actually felt anything for it.

Even in my head it was just like... I'd look at you and think that you were pretty. Beautiful. Handsome? I guess. Couldn't really find the words to say how, though. I was never really into any of that lyrical stuff but you were the singer, you were perfect at all of that, weren't you? I wouldn't have guessed it if I hadn't known about it, if I hadn't actually been to your concerts and _heard_ your songs... if I was going to judge you on what I knew of you, I wouldn't have thought you capable of _those_ sorts of things. The tones you spoke were always distant, caustic, short-tempered... you seemed so disinterested with _everything_ and then you'd take the beauty of a single moment and spin it into four minutes fifty-two seconds and I didn't know how you managed it. As I said, I'm not lyrical like that.

You managed it again and again and again. I'd see you in the music room at lunchtime hunched against a seat and frowning intently at a blank sheet of paper. Occasionally you'd write something down, then you'd scribble it out. I'd watch you go on like this for whole lunchtimes. You'd get your lunch out, but it would remain untouched through the hour. You'd end up leaving it there, storming off with your paper in your hand. I took the lunch afterwards, once. I meant to give it back to you after school, but then I didn't really want to explain how or why I'd found or taken it, so I took it home and ate it myself. Did you make it? It wasn't bad.

I went to more of your concerts than I really admitted to. I'd sneak in most of the time; going in the main entrance meant being surrounded by screaming teenage girls and to be honest, that wasn't really my scene. I never encountered security. I always meant to inform them that maybe they were being a bit lax when it came to that, but that would have meant forfeiting my view of you, so I didn't. Not my fault they couldn't do their job. The Live House held weekly events, but Shin didn't sing at _all_ of them, not _every_ week. That would have been unreasonable for even the most popular star... which, at the time, I suppose he was. Shin managed concerts more or less once a month, sometimes more often and sometimes further apart. There wasn't really any firm schedule for it. Depended on when he wanted to, when he had something he wanted to perform, depended on the state of the Live House and how much they wanted more money... Shin was a guaranteed income for that place. You could always bet on practically most of the female population of Seirei (and then some) turning up to _his_ events... they all wanted to see him, to hear him... he never disappointed but he was always distant to them. Their distant star. I would have called you mine just so that I could have held claim to you, yet you were only mine in the sense that I couldn't _help_ being enthralled by you. Shin, my distant star.

Your songs made me feel strange. I could never get used to the fact that it was _you_ singing them. Anybody else and I'm sure it would have been fine, but looking up at you on the stage and seeing you rouse the audience, seeing that ecstatic smile that made the girls scream and faint... when it was an energetic song, when it was a romantic ballad... you held such electric power over every single person in the room. Myself included, naturally. You wrote all of your songs, didn't you? Such poetic emotion, it confused me. Where had that come from? What were you writing about? What inspired you? _Who_ were you writing about...? Being a person in Shin's life, naturally he wrote about me more than once. He never admitted it but he _did_. Those were the songs that I couldn't _quite_ bring myself to listen to - I'd switch off or leave the concert, I'd go for a smoke and come back when he was finished... once he even told me he wanted me to go to one of his concerts. Gave me a ticket. Never found out why, though the songs he sung were perhaps an indication. Schoolgirls shouldn't have been listening to those songs but I suppose they found it exciting that Shin was singing about _naughty_ things. I never knew his emotions so hearing his songs of dark feelings and wicked passions confused me. Were those songs _actually_ about me, or was he trying to tell me something else? Was there somebody else he was singing about? After the Live House renovated, they had a widescreen monitor above the stage so even those at the back could see the subtle nuances of Shin's expressions... or whoever else happened to be singing at the time, but I only ever watched Shin. He was staring at me. I remember that concert so entirely, he was _staring_ at me. Sometimes he'd look away for a step or a spin or another move for his song, but when he held the microphone and stood so close to the edge, _that_ was when he looked at me. Constantly. Those songs. _That_ song. I didn't understand. I didn't ask you to clarify it for me outside of an offhanded question you didn't answer. I didn't go any further than that. I didn't think I could cope with the idea of being mistaken.

I got hold of a recording of that song and if you only _knew_ what I did to myself when alone and listening to your voice... music certainly aroused passions within people and you sung of such stirring feelings, whether it was that particular song or just a stupid love song, I'd register every tremble in your voice and record it to my heart. _Where_ did you get this from?! Were these just your observations, your predictions? I felt the emotion of things I'd experienced but everything else left me curious. I jerked off until it hurt, listening and dreaming and _wanting_... then I'd find you the next day and rip the screams from your throat with another brutal fuck because I didn't know how to do you any different. I didn't know why we did it. I didn't know why you let me touch you. I didn't know why we had to be so harsh but I didn't _dare_ try to touch you softly. You might have asked. I don't know what I would have said. I was always worried you'd question it, gentle or not... did you ever think about it? The thing that we had? I always did but was scared in case you did too. I didn't want you to think about it and decide that you didn't want it because, as stubborn and as awkward as I was - as _we_ were - that was all that I could give you. Was it a relationship? I guess. Of sorts. It was some kind of _thing_ , but... as to what kind of thing it actually _was_... I didn't know and I didn't want to ask you. Maybe you didn't know either.

I didn't know it was possible to have both everything and nothing both at once. I had you. I didn't even have to give the word and I'd have you panting under me, writhing and thrusting and _begging_. You wrote ambiguous songs that were blatantly about me. You gave me knives because you wanted me to hurt you. I fucked you like nobody else ever would because _we_ didn't have to hold back. Having nothing to gain meant only having nothing to lose, either. I knew how to make you gasp, I knew how to make you cry, I knew you liked being tied down and I knew that certain way to rub you that drove you _crazy_... I knew more about you than anyone else at Seirei could and yet it felt like I knew nothing about you at all. I could have you screaming into my pillows but I didn't know when your birthday was. I knew you liked being on your front because it meant that I could get at your neck easier, but I didn't know if you had any brothers or sisters. I knew biting at your inner thigh would have you shuddering and squirming like nothing else, but I didn't know how you _felt_ about me. Was this really a relationship?! It was _something_. I was wrapped up in it, taken in too deeply to ever hope I could get out of it but even _I_ had no idea what the hell we were doing to each other. I didn't really know what it was doing to you. I'm sure you had no idea what it was doing to me. What might you have done even if you _had_?

Still, more than anything else, it felt _real_. I was too taken in by it to question it and in the middle of it, you started to justify it against the smallest things. We had this _thing_ , alright. Was it a relationship? Maybe. Then you'd look around Seirei and see all the girls crying over their boyfriends, the guys themselves doing their utmost to make the girls notice them, people getting ignored by the people they wanted and attracting the people they didn't... it seemed all so pointlessly complicated. We were better than that. We didn't have to deal with all that stupid crap, I wasn't stressing out over what Shin was or wasn't doing and he wasn't concerned about me either; compared to those _other_ relationships, it seemed such a stress-free alternative... I never liked the idea of all the baggage that came with the idea of dating. Having to remember things, having to notice things, having to say _just_ the right thing and then earning the brunt of an argument for something you didn't even realise... girls frightened me with their capabilities, sometimes. Relationships might as well have been a war for all the strategy they seemed to put into it. Everything was carefully planned and everything was gauged against the opinions of their friends... we didn't have any of that. We weren't the school gossip, we weren't the idol couple, we weren't anything. But we couldn't stop it.

Maybe that was how you liked it, too... even I could see the patience drain from your body when you'd been disturbed from your lunchtime nap for another first-year student wanting an autograph. I dread to think precisely how many of the girls in the school wanted you - surely most boys only ever have to cope with the prospect of those they knew, but you were so prolific everybody in the school knew you before you'd even laid eyes on them... those girls could be so stubborn and so inquisitive. I didn't ask you questions and we weren't complicated. Perhaps, compared to those relationships, that was what you preferred. Being able to get laid without having to jump through hoops for it, being able to let yourself go without worrying about what impact such a thing would have on your prospective career. Which girls you met would be the kind to kiss and tell? You wouldn't be able to know until it was too late. Best not to bother with things like that, wasn't it? We had each other, we didn't need anything else.

So I thought, anyway.

I was walking the dog that time I saw you. It was a Friday night, wasn't it? I remember that, I'd wanted to watch television but then I'd been yelled at to take the dog for a walk... I was pissed off because it was raining but knew I'd only get yelled at even more if I didn't, and that damn mutt was staring at me with such _big_ eyes that I couldn't really refuse him. So I was just making my way down the main street listening to my walkman - I think it was you I was listening to, even - when I saw you. I remember it like a snapshot in my mind; I'd reached the middle of the shopping district, that part of the street where they don't let cars drive. There was me on one side of the street, brick centrepieces in the middle holding soggy plantlife and, on the other side of the street, some restaurant. You were stood next to the soggy plantlife, back turned towards me. I saw you and began to walk over for the sake of something to do, but then you turned the other way and walked off with your head bowed. I stood where you had and looked where you'd been staring... one of the girls I recognized from school was having a meal with that model guy on the Student Council. All the other seats were occupied either by middle-aged couples or empty air and I doubted that either of those things would have caught your attention. I'd seen the pained look on your face as you'd walked away. I'd seen your clenched fists. What had I witnessed there, Shin? I hadn't seen you look that pained without bleeding before, not ever. It was either that girl or that Kirihara guy and I had my doubts about the latter, though who knows. In any case, I didn't. I didn't know.

Had you loved her, Shin? Your next song was a painful one about the bitterness of rejection. That only confirmed what I'd seen, but it didn't make it any clearer for me. What had you felt for her? What had she felt for you? Had you spoken about those sorts of things, ever? Had things been _sweet_ between you? Had she been _cute_? Did you smile at her? Give her presents? Laugh with her? When had you even found the time to do that? At breaktimes in school you were either napping or hiding. I supposed you had any amount of time in the evenings or at weekends to meet all kinds of people I wouldn't have had any idea of, I didn't know what kind of people you knew or the friends you had, I didn't know where you hung out or what things entertained you... again, it all boiled down to the things that we didn't know. You never told me about anybody else, Shin. I don't doubt there were many others where _she_ came from, but you never _told_ me. You never told me about anybody else and for me there _was_ nobody else. I never told you that, either.

I saw you the Monday after and you acted no differently. If I hadn't seen you at the weekend I wouldn't have known anything had happened at all. Made me wonder just how many other things happened that I was totally unaware of. How many girls there had been. Never thought you interested in them much, not from the way you acted... but I guess you were, weren't you? It's not like you were overly interested in guys or anything. I never really thought about it. Girls didn't really interest me and it wasn't like I made a habit of going after guys... but I could fuck you whenever I fancied it and at the time I guess that was all I wanted.

Can't help but wonder if you ever fucked any of them, though. You always hear about it, don't you? The popular guy at school, the one with his own band... girls squeal pretty easily for a guy with a sexy singing voice. Literally chick magnets, they can do as they please... they don't have to fuck everybody but the choice is always there if they want it. I like to think that you were above that, but... who knows? Probably would have heard rumours about you if you had been like that, though. Everyone always seemed genuinely in awe of you. I guess partially because of that distance you had to them? The separation of being adored. You probably had more sense than to break that illusion. Leave the bad behaviour until you have the respect to take advantage of it.

I wasn't very forward-thinking so I never really thought about what would happen once we left Seirei. I didn't particularly like school anyway, never seemed to get on with the teachers, always seemed to get into fights, never had good grades... just did it because I had to, really. Towards those last weeks of school everybody seemed to be getting emotional in our year, all the girls making pacts of everlasting friendship and all the guys reminiscing over all the good times they'd had... I always felt pretty separate to that. I didn't really have any good memories directly tied to Seirei... being held back a year, most of the people I'd known had left the previous year anyway. Those four years, more than being years spent at Seirei they were the years in which we'd been _together_... in whatever sense of the word fitted us. I didn't really think about what would happen after graduation. You had dreams and goals and aims, or so I guessed... you weren't pulling all those events for the good of your health, anyway. Even if the purpose of a star was to die brilliantly, you needed to be brilliant before you could fade... no matter what your goals were, I wasn't part of them. You were living for the future that was only just beginning and I was stagnating in the dying moment, things that too easily became past memories. I didn't want to think about how lost I'd feel if you weren't around. I didn't want to think about it so I ignored it, like so many things. Then, a week before graduation, you phoned me. You'd never phoned me before. I thought you'd dialled my number by accident at first so I just let the phone ring, but you didn't give up... I picked it up but you didn't say much. Couldn't get out much more than my name before you hesitated. I asked you what you wanted. I guess that question was too much for you, you hung up after that.

It was pretty late that night when you turned up on my doorstep. Hadn't really expected that, neither had my family. I told them you'd just come over to catch up with some studying, they thought it was a bit weird that we'd be studying so close to the end of term and so late at night but it seemed to shut them up, they didn't disturb us after that. You seemed a bit... vacant, somehow. You were in your uniform and had your schoolbag with you, but the clinking sound it made told me you hadn't come over to look at schoolwork together.

I didn't really have you down as a heavy drinker and from how you were that night, I guess you really weren't. It was fairly light stuff you'd brought with you and I wasn't particularly a stranger to alcohol, but I know that you didn't like it because it tended to hurt your throat and anything like that wasn't really good in your line of activity. Still, you'd brought plenty of it with you, even if it wasn't enough for me to get drunk on... you already seemed a bit tipsy when we first got into my bedroom. ' _Let's get drunk!_ ', you'd said. I didn't ask why you wanted to get drunk, nor why you'd felt the need to come over to my house for it. I just stayed quiet, not really sure how to react. You were pretty vocal then, I don't think I'd ever heard you so chatty. You didn't really say anything of any particular significance, but I was content enough to listen to you ramble about people at school who annoyed you or the latest time you'd been at the Live House or whatever it was the other members of Synchro were up to these days... I listened and nodded, not sure of what to do. I didn't understand. For the first time in two years, you were _strange_ to me. Then you looked me in the eye and told me what you wanted. I was pretty surprised, you'd never been that straightforward. We'd done so much, but we'd never actually _said_ anything about it. Consent was barely ever verbal.

Still, it was different then, wasn't it? Alcohol sure loosened your tongue. You weren't shy about being naked and you made such a languid pose on my bed, talking about how hard you wanted me to fuck you... you were pretty detailed about what you wanted me to do to you. I liked to think I wasn't the kind of guy who got easily embarrassed, I could be pretty colourful with my language myself, but when it was _you_ saying those sorts of things... I look back on the memory and wonder if I dreamt it instead. No, you wouldn't have said those sorts of things. I imagined it. Still couldn't refuse you, though. I did everything you wanted me do in exactly the way you wanted me to do it, I didn't ask where you'd got the handcuffs from and I _certainly_ didn't ask about the vibrator. You said you liked the expression I made when I had something inside me. You decided you wanted to fuck me. I didn't stop you. We'd never done that before and secretly I was nervous, but I didn't say anything. I couldn't say no to you, I could _never_ say no to you. I realised the irony of feeling vulnerable with you on my back and deep inside me given all the things I'd ever put _you_ through, but it didn't stop me feeling like someone had knocked the world on its axis every time you hunched yourself closer to me. My breathing was quick and I was losing it, I couldn't take feeling like that but I didn't want it to _stop_ , I was so incredibly scared of getting addicted to the weight of you above me and the blissful pain of your fingernails against me and the searing heat of you inside me and I was scared and falling and you didn't _care_. If I'd reached for someone to save me, it would only have been you. You couldn't save me. I only ever dragged you down with me.

You were gone in the morning, of course. Wouldn't really have expected anything else from you and I wouldn't have known how to have asked if you wanted breakfast as well. I suppose you went pretty early... I'd debated missing school that day, I didn't know what to think anymore. I ended up going anyway. I met you on the roof that lunchtime. I began to ask you about the night before. You just said my name and looked at me with such an expression that just _said_ that you didn't want to talk about it. You kept those eyes on me for long enough that even I shrank away from you. It had probably been a mistaken moment spurred on by an inebriated mind and nothing more. You wouldn't have done me if you'd been sober. We stayed on the roof that lunchtime, but we didn't talk to each other.

I'd lost the knack of taunting you. I realised that I hadn't said much for the weeks running up to graduation but during that final week, the fact that I couldn't even open my mouth to call you an idiot weighed down pretty heavily on my mind. It was the silence I hated more than anything. You didn't say anything to me, either. I suppose we'd both grown out of the petty insults, and if that was us maturing then perhaps it was a good thing, but... I felt I should be saying something. I felt like there was something missing, something _more_ that I needed. This in itself scared me because I didn't know what, just that I didn't want to lose you and the more I thought about it the more I thought that that sounded like something _else_ , something that just _couldn't_ be true, it couldn't be!

I get pretty caught up on wondering what might have been different if I'd managed to get over myself and just _say_ it. We acted like that because we had nothing to lose, did we? Oh, but I was petrified of losing you. I figured you were going to go to university after Seirei, you were pretty good when it came to academic stuff, but... I didn't know where you wanted to go, what you wanted to study... the country was full of universities and you might have wanted to go to any one of them. I should have asked. I could have managed just an offhanded question, couldn't I? Seems not. I guess I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to think that it would end. I didn't want to think that anything would come _after_ Seirei. I didn't want to think that we'd all be separated and that I didn't know what you'd be doing and that things wouldn't continue on like they always had... but worrying about those things in the last week of term, it was too late for anything by that point.

You asked me what I was doing after school on that last day. I didn't have anything planned, so I told you so. You just looked thoughtful, but didn't say anything else.

We met at the fountain and then went to the roof. We watched everybody leaving, crying, making their goodbyes... the teachers had gathered by the school gates to see their students off. We watched from our distant position and I quietly felt happy that you'd chosen to spend such a significant time with me. I didn't know if it was significant to you. I didn't really have anybody I wanted to say goodbye to, so I didn't mind watching it all... but you, you were popular, weren't you? And you chose to spend that time with me. I wonder what that meant. I wonder what _you_ meant. You seemed caught up in the romance of the moment, talking wistfully about your memories of Seirei... I just stayed silent and listened to you. You didn't normally talk like that. I didn't really _have_ any precious memories, not the rose-tinted ones _you_ seemed to have. You said we should walk home together, one last time. You said it light-heartedly enough but you had such a _look_ in those eyes... I would never have refused you anyway, but that expression made me afraid to.

It felt so surreal, walking home like that. You talked so easily I might have thought you drunk again, but I knew from your manner that you weren't... it was just idle conversation, but I don't think we'd ever really _done_ idle conversation before. I didn't really have anything to reply to you with, so I just listened to you. You managed to talk for the entire time from leaving the school gates to eventually ending up at my front door. Maybe you were scared of the silence too.

I should have known where it was going, really. We'd never gone to my house for any _other_ purpose and I guess I would have been a fool for thinking we would have got there without _that_ in mind even on that last day... and once we'd got there I don't think I would have let you leave even if you'd wanted to. We were all over each other from the moment we stepped into the house and I don't even remember us getting up to my bedroom, though we must have got there somehow. The silence was prevented by something different and we were far too occupied to worry about _that_ now. We pulled each other's clothes off. You were as feral as I was. For once, it felt as if we were _equal_. Shin knew what he was doing. He wouldn't let me stop. I lay heavy on him after I'd come, but he wanted me to go again... and he nudged up my face and he _kissed_ me. It's not as if we hadn't kissed before, I loved to shut him up like that, but it was _different_. _He_ was different. He _looked_ at me as I took him and I couldn't help but look back... we were slower. Time had always pressured us and for once, neither of us wanted to rush it. I didn't know what to do. All I could do was fuck him but this was _not_ fucking... and we could see it in each other's eyes and he kissed me and it was like when he took me, I felt like I couldn't be sure of anything... I was exhausted but you still tempted me. You kissed me all over and made me tremble. You were on top of me again. You asked if I minded. I could never mind, Shin...! I could never say that, either. I only shook my head and let you take me.

You _knew_ what you were doing.

I don't think that either of us would have admitted the sentiment to have expressed it in words, but _that_ was your goodbye.

We lay there in silence afterward. I held you like I hadn't dared to before and you didn't argue. I asked if you wanted to stay the night. By that point it was the early hours of the morning anyway, but you said that you needed to get home. I wondered what exactly was so important that meant you needed to go now rather than in ten hours or so, but I respected your words and let you go. I asked if you wanted me to walk you home. You said you didn't need me to. I said I wanted to. You said you'd be alright. You looked at me, and I knew that that was it... that this was the end. You said goodbye as if we'd see each other the next day, I watched you retreat down my front path and I knew that we wouldn't. I wanted to run after you and grab you and hold you and kiss you and tell you not to go, but I didn't. I should have done, maybe. Still, it's too late to be thinking about that now.

He didn't come to see me after that, and I never wanted to bother him. Did you need your distance, Shin? It seemed like we never had anything _but_ the distance. I guess that was the plus about what we had... when you don't have a proper relationship, you don't have to bear the pain of feeling it end. I guess that was how it might have worked in theory, anyway... as it was, I never knew what it had been that we'd had and I only felt more confused once we didn't have it anymore. We'd been there and _I'd_ been there and out of anybody, we should have known more than anybody else... but what _had_ that been? I think either of us would rather have died than have called it any kind of romantic relationship. Thoughts of couples and boyfriends and flowers and _love_... we would have rejected those as quick as mention them. Yet there had been _something_ there... even you must have been able to admit that, Shin...! Those expressions you gave me and those times you took me, the time we spent together and the things that we did... those things were more than nothing. It wasn't enough to have been love and perhaps you didn't need that, but I would have accepted anything you gave me. If you'd ever said that you loved me, I would only have been able to reply the same back to you...

I was too immature back then to even let myself consider things like that, and I guess it was under pain of losing you that made me grow up enough to realise. Too little too late as usual, but I guess at least I realised it in the end. I might try your number later, just to see if you pick up. If it's a wrong number, then it's a wrong number.

I reach back over to where I threw the magazine. Flick it open again, glance at the pictures of you. You don't look any different, not really. I see you're brave enough to wear a revealing shirt like that, huh... not that anybody else would especially consider it revealing, but I do. The shirt is fairly low cut and your skin is perfect... your neck carries no marks, your arms are just as pure... I feel a degree of satisfaction, though I'd been scared back then. Nobody else can hurt you like how I did. Perhaps you've been magically touched up, computer-manipulated, airbrushed... perhaps so, but it allows me the leeway to imagine. I doubt you'd go out in public with such marks anyway. You always _were_ so self-conscious.

To have made it into such a magazine, to be trying to work your way up... this is you exposing yourself to the public, isn't it? You want them to know you, to embrace you, to love you enough to provide you with your income. It won't last forever, Shin. Even if you make it big, it'll take something special to become that star that _everybody_ longs for. I believe you have that, but... I'm biased, so don't listen to me.

I look at the stars sometimes, thinking about you. Wondering how far you meant it when we talked that time. We all look at those things from afar, but you can't hope to touch them... too far to reach and impossible to embrace. Like the sun. You wanted to be a star, but to me... you were more than that. And yet you were always so distant... to get close to you might have burnt me, but I would have taken that risk... I like to think. Yet I was always too stubborn to admit it and let us go on without admitting anything... did you want to get close to me? Maybe you didn't want to admit it either. You too could be pretty stubborn when you wanted to be. Other people are probably content with being distant but it feels like _that_ is what burns me more than anything... and will you let anybody get close to you? I wonder.

I can't decide if I was close to you or not. Trying to figure out your feelings, I just get too blinded by my own.

Those photos lie. Your expression lies. Even your skin, pure and unblemished, lies. We spent too long lying to each other, deceiving each other. The only times we found truth were in the physical things that scared us. Perhaps it was love. Perhaps it wasn't. It was _something_. Don't you want to find out, Shin? Sometimes feelings are more than things to be defined, but I at least want to know if that was how you felt too. Even if it wasn't love, just to know that it was _shared_...

I let the magazine fall to the floor as I get up from the seat and go to find my mobile phone. Maybe other people are content with being distant and maybe I could watch you rise to fame through the media, but I can't be _content_ with that. My distant star could crash and burn at any moment and it's bad enough that I let you get away in the first place... I find my phone and call up your number. I stare at it. I'm still stubborn, aren't I?... And I still have nothing to lose. This isn't how it always was. Even if I didn't realise it, I always had something to lose and that something was you and I let you escape and it's ringing. Then there's the clicking sound of the phone being picked up.

"... Hey... uh, Nishimura? 'Zat you?... Hey. Yeah, I know. Hey, don't ask me, maybe I just got bored, okay? Oh, but dude. Saw _Chartzone_... hah. ... What do you _mean_ , 'why were you looking at that'?! Can't help but notice someone's stupid face when it's all over the freaking newsagents, can I?! Oh come on. Why else would you have- hey now, don't start getting bitchy on me, you wouldn't even have done that if you didn't want people looking at you!"

I'm pretty proud of myself. Can't tell I'm crying, can you?

"Don't lie to me, Nishimura. You always got off on being looked at, didn't you? Bet it makes you pretty damn hard knowing your face is across the country. Why don't you let me over, then maybe I can find out huh?... ... ... Jeez, you're _where_?! Oh, shit, I don't think I've even got enough credit on my phone... 'what for'? Hey, I _always_ knew how to get _you_ going. Wouldn't it be totally inconvenient if you got hard now, huh? Just from listening to the phone? People really _would_ think you were some kind of pervert..."

Let's start from the beginning again.

"Hey, you don't gotta listen to me if you don't want to. See that little red button on your phone?... Purple? What kind of phone has a _purple_ 'hang up' button?!... Well, whatever. See that button? It's so you can _stop talking to people_! Revolutionary, huh. Huh? What's that? Oh, I'd like that. I really would. Want to come over and make me?"

Oh, he hung up.

I stare at the phone. Damn, I really _do_ need more credit in it. I was lucky it didn't short out in the middle of that conversation, really... well, at least I talked to him. He's still there, even if it _is_ on the other side of the phone. The other side of the country. Didn't realise he'd gone _that_ far afield, but... well, that's not really surprising. At least he's still in the country. I mean, obviously he's still in the country, _Chartzone_ wouldn't be introducing him as Japan's latest up-and-coming if he'd run off to America or whatever, but... yeah. We're still indirectly standing on the same soil as each other, aren't we... and I'm sure you'd be pretty easy to find if I went looking for you. Would you be really surprised if I turned up on your doorstep? I laugh to myself as I consider this, wiping my wrist over my eyes. Idiot, crying over something like that, someone like him. I guess it was just a bit of a dull shock to be talking to him again after so long... and it doesn't seem like he's any different, which is a relief.

It's when I'm heading over to the kitchen to fix something to eat that my phone goes off again. I get a weird sense of deja-vu; I look at it, it says that Shin's calling. I stare at it, wondering if it's a mistake... but like last time, it keeps ringing. I pick it up.

His voice is lower. He tells me that he's alone this time. His breathing is heavier. Idiot, you never miss a chance, do you? Well, neither do I. Not anymore. ' _I want to see you again_ ' can wait though, can't it? I fall back into my chair and smirk as I listen to you. Sounds like we've got something to attend to before idle conversation, doesn't it? I close my eyes and I can picture you just as you were. I'm hard again. I tell you so.

You tell me you wish I was there with you. Even if you only meant it because that'd make it easier to fuck you... you want that? That's it, I'm getting over there as quickly as possible. I'm not afraid anymore. You're moaning my name on the other end of the phone and it's driving me _insane_. There's been nobody since. I don't want there to be. I don't want there to be for you, either. I'll find you and I'll tell you I love you until I'm breathless... and you're sounding pretty breathless as it is. I always managed to get you going so easily, then I mention biting you and I hear you fall quiet and then moan gently. You want that, don't you? I can't bite you over the phone. Ah, some things never change.

Though... I do think that _we're_ changing. Just a little. In a good way.

We last until you tell me you're running out of free minutes. Oh, a monthly plan? Useful. I'll keep that in mind. You ask if you can phone my house. I give you my number. Eventually, we hang up.

This time, I'll get to know you. We'll know what we have. We're adults now, aren't we? We should be able to speak freely to each other. We were speaking pretty damn freely then, huh. We'll get further this time. I can move, if you want... nothing's keeping me around here. I want to make sure that nobody else touches you. That nobody else hurts you. If you're burning, I want to be there to burn with you. If you want to fade, I want to fade alongside you. I've been falling for as long as I've known you, been falling for you. I'm taking you with me whether you like it or not, Shin. Didn't you feel it too? I want to find out. All those bitter lyrics I wondered about... I want to find out. I've waited and put it off for long enough. I think you've put it off for long enough too.

I love you, Shin.

Now, _finally_ , I can admit that.

(God. Maybe I've changed more than I want to think about. I'll be going sappy next.)


End file.
